Posted by Jessica A. on January 26, 2010
Posted by Jessica A. on January 11, 2010
Ok, get this: I’m driving home down a rural road that I often use getting home from a neighboring city. The speed limit is 55. I’m going 60. I’m speeding. I’m breaking the law.
I get passed. Twice.
No wonder so many people die in car accidents, they drive like fucking maniacs.
Posted by Jessica A. on July 20, 2009
I went out in public en femme for the first time Saturday.
I suppose that’s not technically true, since I’ve actually stepped outside the Center (for clarification, the Sacramento GLBT Center on the corner of L and 20) dressed up before, but this was different. This was actually walking around town a bit, sitting around outside waiting for a friend, and such.
It started after my therapy appointment that afternoon. I was nervous, so my therapist offered to sit outside with me a few minutes while I waited for my friend to show up. (As an aside, I have the bestest therapist ever.) We waited around ten minutes until my friend showed up.
I was nervous and excited all at once. I hadn’t really known what to expect. Things just went on as they do in the city. And there I was, watching people go by, talking with my therapist. In all it was really uneventful. Which made it the most wonderful thing ever.
It’s really hard to describe my feelings. I felt so strange, yet so right. It seems so strange that a simple change of clothes can do that.
My friend showed up and took me to a birthday party she had been invited to. I felt less comfortable here, but that’s mostly because I’ve never done well in a crowd of people. Even in big groups that I know, I can be a wallflower. That said, I had fun, simply because the birthday lady was really funny, and fun to be around.
After that, we went to a transgender support group that I hadn’t been to before. (There are two in my area that I know of. I’ve been attending one at the Center, but this one was at Sutter Hospital.) I had some trouble getting there; I got separated from the people I was following and couldn’t find them. However, I was able to make my way to the Center (Whoever decided on Sacramento’s ABC 123 grid layout deserves major kudos) and call another friend for directions. I’m very surprised I was able to build up the courage to call someone, I’m very nervous when it comes to the telephone. I’m so glad I did though.
The Sutter group was great. Everyone was friendly and talkative. Dr. Milazzo, the facilitator, actually complimented me, saying she was surprised to hear that was my first time out. She encouraged me to keep coming, which I shall certainly do.
Beyond the group, though, it was great actually walking around a bit. It helped to build up confidence, just the walk along the street to the hospital, or to the party earlier.
All in all, had a great day. I need to do that more often.
Posted by Jessica A. on June 18, 2009
Hello, and welcome to my blog! It’s a wonderful thing, a newly minted blog, fresh from the tubes, so full of hope and possibility, yet also aware of the very real likelihood of me getting bored and abandoning this after a week and a half, leaving it to languish in that vast purgatory known as the World Wide Web. Mindful of this, I think it might be helpful to explore the reasons I am starting a blog.
I like to write. There are few things more enjoyable than molding the nebulous, scattered bits of thought into something more or less coherent and understandable. It is easy to liken a writer to a photographer, but I think a writer is more analogous to a sculptor. Prose is the crafted image of an idea, with words as its medium. In writing, we give form to the formless; thoughts become ideas, which become sentences, then paragraphs. Paragraphs become essays and stories.
Sculpting ideas lends them a sort of permanence. They may be revisited later, expanded upon, and revised, where otherwise they may have been forgotten in the endless sea of thought that is the human mind. And just as we may revisit our sculptures, others as well may stumble onto it, to admire or to criticize. Words so stumbled upon may well germinate inside the minds of those that see them, and so breed into more ideas. Writing is hardly alone in this regard. Art, in it’s most fundamental form, is communication, even if we are only attempting to communicate with ourselves.
For art does not necessarily need to be for communication with others. So vigorous our minds are in producing thoughts that individual ideas that were considered important one minute may very well be forgotten the next. When we write ideas down, often we do so to ensure that we ourselves will not forget an idea.
Thus we come to the true purpose of this blog. To put things simply, I am going through a lot. In the past months I have faced a complete change in worldview, my understanding of sexuality, and my understanding of my own gender. Ideas and feelings fly through my mind, and feel of utmost importance, only to be nearly forgotten in a matter of hours or days. I have learned to cope up to now, by allowing myself to forget, but constantly forgetting is a very poor way to go through life. Thus, I must write, lest all be lost in the sea of confusion.
This means this blog will often ramble, much like it has done today, and if that annoys you, I apologise. Consider this your warning. For the rest of you, I can only hope that my exploration of my own journey can be of some help to you.